February 2023

By Emptycreep


Choose your zodiac sign from the list of symbols below to display your horoscope, or simply scroll to find the one you want to read. Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only and shouldn't be treated as advice. Don't take anything I say seriously. This is just for fun :)

aries taurus gemini cancer

leo virgo libra scorpio

sagittarius capricorn aquarius pisces


You will sit at an annoyingly long stoplight at some point this month. The song playing on the radio at the time will be "Heatwaves" by Glass Animals. On Valentine's Day, you will not have a date and stay at home watching Netflix on the couch with your dog. Later in the month, you will read a book during a rainstorm and moodily look out your window with a sense of longing. I suggest you brew yourself a hot cup of Cinnamon tea to savor while doing so, and fully immerse yourself in the relaxing experience.


It's time to branch out and try some new recipes. You can't keep eating like you are five years old. Please, find a way to incorporate a vegetable somewhere on the plate. This month, your cat will take a giant poop and it will get everywhere. Be prepared, it'll be gnarly. You will end the month on a high note, though! Your coworker will bring snacks into work (I'm seeing donuts or a pizza party in your future!), and on the 29th, you will receive a prize of one billion dollars!


This month, you will overcome seasonal depression by taking an expensive weekend trip. You will dip into your savings to afford the hotel, but the room service will be worth it. You will receive an unusual amount of spam phone calls trying to sell you an extended warranty. A doctor/other healthcare worker will call you with some surprising news. The thing that has been bothering you concerning your significant other will get worse if you refuse to communicate with them about it.


Don't be afraid to cry this month, Cancer. I know you've been working on being less emotional, but the Universe is saying that you should just be yourself! Don't feel bad about it, just let it all out. It doesn't matter if you're home alone or in public; You can cry on the subway, in the back of an Uber, or at work! Feel the sweet release as you show the world how you really feel. Also, don't forget to cancel that subscription service once your free trial period ends.


Leo, you should think about getting a therapist this month. If you already have one, you should consider telling them about that thing you've been hiding. You know what I'm talking about. At least one of your monthly bills will be higher than usual. You will be moody on the 23rd, so make sure to watch your temper. Keeping looking up! I'm seeing a good promotion and a pay raise in your future, if you can stop being late for work!


The first week of February, you will accidentally forget your phone at home and have to spend the entire day without it. As a result, you will forget about a meeting and therefore not be inside Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon at 3:30PM, which just so happens to be the exact moment in which you were supposed to meet your soulmate. It's ok, the next soulmate that the Universe has assigned to you will show up on June 14th, 2038! <3


If you are a person who gets periods, the good news is that you won't have cramps this month! The bad news is that there will be much more blood than usual. On the 26th, you should write down a list of your goals for the rest of the year. Then, you should light it on fire and remind yourself that life is short and resolve to just have fun instead. The next time you are at the bar and on your second drink, go ahead and order a tequilla shot for your third! Buy all your friends one, too!


Early in the month, you will have a meeting scheduled for 3:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. The person you are going to meet will forget to show up. Don't feel bad, though, because later this month you will go on a Tinder/Bumble/Hinge date, and meet the love of your life! Later, you will get a haircut that you really like, and you will be invited to something exciting. If you go to the gym, you will be sore after your workout. I suggest taking an incredible bath at some point!


This month, Sagittarius, you will take a wonderful nap. During the nap, you will have the best dream of your life. You will wake up from it feeling inspired, and will use the inspiration to write a best-selling novel. Sadly, the movie adaptation will fare poorly in the box office and face negative reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. You will use your earnings to move to a tropical location where you fall in love and spend your days on the beach. Then you will wake up from the nap, for real this time, to the sound of your front doorbell.


If for some reason you are aprehended by the police this month, remember that you have the right to remain silent. Even if you are not stopped by the cops, remember that sometimes it is just best for you to remain silent. You should not speak about anything too soon because the Universe will laugh at your plans. Out of all the zodiac signs, you will have the best Valentine's Day. But be careful! If you do not buy your partner a gift ahead of time, you will more than likely forget.


If you are not going to start working toward your goals, you should at least allow yourself to relax. Your stress will reach an all time high by the 17th, and you will have to take a mental health day. On this day, you should evaluate whether you want to continue living your life the way you are now. If the answer is no, the universe is advising you to fake your own death and move to a quiet countryside where you can pursue nothing but your hobbies. I don't make the rules, the Universe does.


When the Sun enters Pisces on the 18th, you will begin to feel some serious excitement for your upcoming birthday. Don't worry, this will quickly fade as the weight of your own mortality sets in. Treat yourself to some pampering to take the edge off, but don't relax too much, because the Universe has a surprise in store for you. It could be something great, or it could be a spider in the corner of your bedroom. Actually, it's best to stay on your toes!